A week from today I’ll be stepping off of my plane at the JFK airport and hitting the big apple with my jet setting besties, Josh and Danielle, to take over Manhattan one iconic scene at a time. Because I have dreamed of this moment since like FOREVER, I have compiled a very important and extremely rigorous Bucket List for our 10 day stint in NYC. All actions are inspired by the most perfect film of all time, Breakfast At Tiffany’s [aka the Adrian Bible], and shall be committed by yours truly without fear of the outcome. If you are an Audrey Hepburn obsessed NYC hipster-tourist like me, your itinerary should read as follows….
#1- Eat a Donut In Evening Gloves, In Front Of Tiffany’s
Upon stepping off of the plane; wave a black silk evening glove clad, rhinestone-encrusted hand in the air to flag down the nearest cab. Take that taxi directly to Tiffany’s. Find the nearest locally roasted, artisanally crafted, free trade coffee shop. Purchase a black coffee and a croissant. Trot over to Tiffany’s (luggage and all, because you have not yet checked in to your hotel) and enjoy your freakin’ “Breakfast At Tiffany’s”.
#2- Befriend A Homeless ‘Cat’.
By this time, you’ll be missing your pets back home because you got up so dang early that you missed your daily kitty-cuddle-fix. First things first, find an alley. They’re all over NYC so this should be a piece of cake. Call ‘kitty-kitty’ into the abyss. Move towards any sign of life in the dark corners of this god forsaken land. Keep your pepper spray handy, as the shuffle in the shadows could be a deranged criminal druggie shooting up behind a dumpster or possibly even a famous NYC jumbo rat (don’t know which is worse). If the shuffle is either of the latter, spray that mother fudger with all your might. In the off chance that the being moving towards you is indeed a poor stray feline (probable a 0.00139% chance), pick that mangy cat up and squeeze it tightly as you shower it with tears of remorse and gratitude. Then, gingerly place the feline back on the ground. You will most likely be covered in either cat scratches, fleas or mange. Visit the nearest drug store. Tend to your wounds.
#3- Check In To Your Hotel and Freshen Up.
Two very dirty things just happened. You just ate a flakey, sugar encrusted croissant with gloves on and you coddled a disease ridden stray cat behind a dumpster. You’ve got important things to do and you cannot be looking like a homeless croissant loving cat lady. Tote that luggage down to 22nd Street and check in to your hotel. Take a shower. Brush yo teeth. Floss. Rinse. Apply ointment to any cat inflicted wounds.
#4- Call A Few Friends (From Your Suitcase Phone) and Make Plans
Once you are thoroughly bathed and mended, grab the rotary phone from your suitcase and make some plans with your unsuspecting friends. Dinner? A Show? Maybe even a little illegal activity? They’ll never know what they’ve gotten themselves into with you.
You know it’s gonna be a long night, it’s time to pre-game. After you’re done convincing your straight laced friends to unknowingly go raging with you, pick up the phone and call room service. Order a bottle of milk. Once the hotel attendant arrives, grab that champagne coupe you carefully wrapped up in bubble wrap from your luggage. Pour yourself a cold one and get your game face on.
#6- Shape Your Eyebrows and Get Dressed
Both are very important. A woman with a weak brow will not be taken seriously. Likewise, neither will an undressed woman. i.e. The Kardashians, these women have a history of lacking in either one department or the other. Address the brows, and dress the body.
#7- Apply Lipstick In A Taxi
Once dressed, hail a cab and head out to meet your first unsuspecting
victim friend. Apply lipstick as you bark out orders to the driver, because this is what NYC boss ladies do. And tonight, my friend, you are the boss, lady.
#8- Dance Club Shenanigans
Meet your unsuspecting friend at a hip new dance club. Order another glass of milk on the rocks. Discuss the weather, your flight in to town, Sia’s new video and your morning window shopping; all without removing your sunglasses. You do not, however, discuss your back alley kitten snuggling or the copious amounts of cold milk that you have already ingested. You have big plans for the night and you don’t want to scare your friend off before the real fun has begun.
#9- Rob A Dime Store
After your friend is good and sloshed, and you’re on your fourth coupe of cold milk, suggest a “shopping spree” downtown. Once you have arrived at your destination, peruse the common mask section. Playfully suggest you try the masks on “for fun”. Then whisper in your friends ear that you saw Ryan Gosling outside, shirtless across the street. Homo or no homo he will grab your hand and swiftly whisk you out of the store at a brisk NYC jogging pace, all just to find that Ryan has ‘mysteriously disappeared’. You will secretly be smiling, behind that evil kitty mask, because you my friend have just robbed a dime store.
#10- Meet Up With The Rest Of Your ‘Friends’ At Hipster Party
So, now that you have committed a felony it’s time to celebrate. As you hop on the subway, you turn to instagram to scope out the scene. House party in Brooklyn? Done. You ask your insta-friend to drop you a pin of their location and arrive masked in dime store mystery. You scope the scene, rich red headed Trust Fund Baby in a corner. No one puts Trust Fund Baby in a corner! You swank across the room, slowly remove your plastic kitty mask and shoot him a coy smile. Three more solo cupped cold milk’s in and you’re taking selfies in the mirror. You sneak away to the bathroom for a good solid 2 minutes of facebook stalking. You find out that Trust Fund Baby has a girlfriend named ‘Marge’. Your blood begins to broil. According to your feed, Trust Fund Baby and Marge vacation at her parent’s house in the Hampton’s every other weekend. This explains the Sperry’s. You’re beginning to feel the gallons of previously ingested milk curdle in your empty stomach. You realize all you’ve eaten today is a croissant and a bag of airline peanuts. You text your friend to stop chatting up his latest conquest and split a Lyft with you back to the hotel. Because he’s a nice-ish guy he obliges and you wait out your ride in the bathroom as you frantically rip apart the contents of your purse in search of a luna bar.
#11- Throw A Hangry Hissy Fit
By this time, your Lyft driver has arrived and you and you make your exit. Trust Fund Baby tries to say goodbye, but you just throw him shade and ignore his advances. Once you’re in the car, it hits you. You’re hangry. Your friend tries to console you, but mere words can not satisfy your insatiable need for sustenance. You lash out in hanger, saying terrible awful things. He retorts. You assume the Kim Kardashian ‘cry face’. Crocodile tears, incoherent ranting about “Sperry’s in the Hamptons” and your need for Taco Bell. You arrive at your destination, but you are in such distress that your friend has to carry you all the way to your hotel room. He tries to lay you on the bed but in a burst of hanger you grab a pillow and hulk out, ripping the 500 thread count cover to shreds as feathers float to the ground. Your friend quickly makes his exit, you have reached a whole new level of cray.
#12- Sob Incoherently
You pick up your phone to order room service. It’s 3am and the kitchen’s closed. You can order a ham sandwich. You hate ham sandwiches. Your cell phone buzzes. Your Lyft driver has given you the lowest rating possible. You didn’t tip that jerk anyway. You look around the room and the Snicker’s commercials come to mind, you feel like Danny DeVito. Hangry, hangry, hangry. You would literally kill for a Snickers bar. You sob yourself to sleep.